A tinman’s heart.

Growing up I watched the Wizard of Oz like it was the only thing that existed.  I knew every line of the movie and I walked around my house quoting lines from the movie and acting them out.  I talked to toto and made friends with the munchkins, I played the Wizard of Oz as much as other girls played princess or house. 🙂  As I’ve grown older I surely have not lost my love for the movie.  Even now when I watch it I realize things that I never realized growing up, whether it be the ties to the characters or different colors of the costumes.  I love the movie, still.

I was thinking this evening about the tin man.  I loved his character and how he was dependent on someone just to move.  I love that he had a need for a ticking heart, but he really had a heart all along.  There are alot of things on my mind tonight as I ramble to you all.  I’m in a period of my life where I’m finding myself grateful for where God has led me, Dependent on Him in a whole new way to get me through even every hour, and wishing my heart maybe wasn’t as emotion based as it is.

Don’t worry, I’m confused as you are.  Tonight as I begin this ramble post, I find myself slightly tearful.  Have you ever been so sure of something that you don’t even need someone to say you’re right, but in the very next breath you’re so unsure of yourself that you would need a whole army of people telling you that you’re right just to make you feel a little certain?  Tonight, I’m there.  As I was thinking about the tin man and his need for a ticking heart and then the realization that his heart was there all along… I started to wonder about the very things my own heart was sure of but I was so blinded I couldn’t see the truth.  When I prepared the layout of this blogged I added the Random Rambles section to be just what it is.  I wanted a place where I could freely write about my greatest joys and my deepest struggles.  In a way, I wanted each of you to learn who was behind the face of the tips on tuesdays and the yummy recipe.  What is an author if you don’t know his story?  So tonight I’ll share with you a struggle…. and that is one of my heart.

Like the tinman, I always feel the need to have more heart. I want to love more, be more to other people, and be the best I can.  I want to give more of myself to people I love in the biggest ways… yet I don’t seem to have enough heart.  I mean this in the sense that my heart breaks entirely too easily.  Tonight, I’m broken over having loved in a big way and that not being able to have loved enough. I wish I could be everything to everyone… somehow turn everyones heart into something brighter.  Every frown into a smile.  Yet my limitations are bounded by even the gentlest things.  I ache in knowing that because I can’t be enough, my heart will never be able to give enough no matter how overwhelming the need to be the best is there.  Someone once told me that it was not my job to fix every frown.. and I can remember thinking then that maybe they were right, but it sure didn’t mean I had to quit trying.  When I think back to that moment, I think to myself that I hope that my sweet baby never hears those words.  Maybe it isn’t our “job” to fix every frown – but what a better place this world would be if we all started trying a bit.  So tonight, I just felt the need to put that out there.  To love is hard…. sometimes it hurts… and I’m not even talking about this crazy romantic love that you have with the love of your life, I’m talking about the love you have for the guy who stands on the corner every week begging for money.  The love you have for your mom.  The love you have for you the friend you’ve know since grade school.  Sometimes, to love is just hard.  It is especially hard when bounded by limitations.  How does this tie into the tin man??  Because he was so bounded by his limitations he didn’t believe he had heart at all… I don’t want to be the tin man.  I want to know where my heart is and how to use it…. and so even on nights like tonight when love is breaking and tearing at the deepest layers of my heart, I want to remember who gave me love in the first place.  When I feel broken, I want to remember that God loved me first and that is how I can love beyond the hurt.  God is love and he chose to love me beyond my limitations, beyond my frown, and beyond my brokenness… and I can choose to love the same way – despite how hard it is.

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